I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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