I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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