I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
