I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
