8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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