On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
