Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
