there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
