1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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