[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize