I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize