if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize