he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
