you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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