She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
