made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
