WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
