i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
where am i from again
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
