in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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