My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
