Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
