I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn