I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
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he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
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so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.