I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
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i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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