I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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