when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
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