I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
