They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
