I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
