I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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