He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
