I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
