I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
