someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
