I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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