I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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