I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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