He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs