there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
