I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
