M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
