Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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