I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
