Your face is a jimmy john
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
