nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
