He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
