Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Why is there bacon in the couch?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
