I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
