I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
