batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
