So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
