i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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