Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
