i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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