is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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