i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
