Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
