first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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