Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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